Hold Me...Accountable.

So, once again, it's been months since I've posted.

Here's the plan: QUIT GAINING WEIGHT! Maybe lose some.

Good grief, Cassie!

And, I've decided that in order to stay on track I need someone/something to hold me accountable. Therefore, there is the ticker at the top of the page. It should update regularly (much more regularly than I post).

So, I'm at my heaviest since my last heaviest. Not quite up that high, but way too close for comfort. I now need to lose over 100 pounds again. 106 to be exact. But, I can't focus on that. I need to focus on smaller shorter goals. We're going to aim for 5 lbs, and staying on program (whatever program it is that I'm following) for TODAY. Not everyday. And not perfect, just persistent.

My program is to be as Paleo as possible. Hopefully I can work in a bit of ketosis to help me burn fat. We'll see.



Reminder, Cassie, Perseverance - not Perfection! That's my mantra!

Apropos Title

Boy howdy, is my "Anne Knoyd with Myself" title appropriate!

I am quite vexed with myself. How long has it been since a posting? Years. How much weight have I gained? 40 pounds. Have I even tried?

Yes and no.

Yes: Of course I try. I watch what I eat most days. I try for healthy choices.

No: I give in to temptations WAY too readily. I drink too much. I don't like exercise. And, I haven't even logged in to this blogger account to try to write a post.

So much has changed, and nothing at all has changed.

I'm the same. Same ol' me.
But there are We moved to Austin. Still married, but were separated by Chris's job change for a year and a half. He lived with my mom and dad for that time.  Kayla (my youngest dd) graduated high school & started attending Sam Houston State Univ in Huntsville. She is actually less than a year from graduating. Kelsey (my oldest dd) graduated from UNT last spring!

We'll just try to keep going with this. Chris says that 100 postings get you "noticed." Maybe not these little ventings types of postings, but maybe so.

I'm starting a writing class (MasterClass with James Patterson). I'll let you know how it goes.

Whoops!

That was one LONG Gala, huh?


Nope, not really.  Truly?  I got down on myself and just didn't feel like writing or sharing.  Then, when I felt like writing again, my computer died, so I had to wait until it was replaced.  I did get a new computer about mid-June, but didn't feel like writing again.  Maybe I need my meds checked.


The Gala was fine.  I shouldn't have been so nervous.  I knew quite a few of the people there.  Unfortunately, not many of them were ones I just wanted to invite myself to sit down next to and join in a conversation, but I did know them.  Hi, hello, how you doin, how are the kids... That kind of thing.  Chris was a social butterfly for most of the night.  I rarely had a seat next to him.  He wasn't at our table too terribly often.  Off schmoozing.


Food was fine - I tried to make good choices.  But it was the beginning of the end for me.


May was a horrible month.  Horrible.  We started "maintenance" on May 2nd.  And on that day (which Chris couldn't come home until late) I came home to find our dog Dillon alert but unresponsive.  He looked at me but couldn't stand up.  Couldn't wag.  Didn't reach for the nearest stick.  Something was horribly wrong.  Of course, it was 5:30 right then.  All vets are closed.  I somehow managed to carry him inside (he's a big boy).  Long story short: Chris came home, we got Dilly to the vet for an emergency visit, she confirmed our fears, and we put him to sleep.  Just the start of the month.  That's the worst thing, really; it's just that not much good happened for the rest of the month.
Some good did happen.  On Mother's Day, we got new phones through AT&T.  Changed providers and everything.  Girls each got iPhones (3gs), Chris got an iPhone (4), and I got an Android.  Which I really liked at first.  But then it started freezing and doing weird things.  I've since traded it for the iPhone 4 and have loved that.
So we are officially an iPhone family.  Which works because we are becoming an Apple family.  I never thought I'd say that.
That's what my new computer is -an iMac.  I've loved it too.  Still on the learning curve, but it's getting easier every day.  Chris couldn't be without his MacBookPro or his iPad, and he's all integrated now.  My next big purchase will be an iPad for myself (am sure I'll share with the girls).
Feelings and emotions?  Am I annoyed with myself?  Yes.  I haven't lost any more weight at all.  I've been up and down since we started the maintenance AND round 2 of the hcg.  I am currently at 197.3.
Hopefully, if I start recording on here my food again, I'll hold myself more accountable.  
I do have one thing I'm proud of today (I am "starting over" again today - I tell myself that I need to just worry about today: one day or one morning/afternoon or even just one HOUR.  Then worry about the next one when it gets here).  I wanted a biscuit.  Got halfway to the freezer and told myself, "NO!  I do NOT want that biscuit!  I want to be GOOD."  Turned myself around and went to the fridge to put on my hcg cream and made myself coffee instead.  Now I am having cabbage soup for lunch.  I've been good today.  Morning done, now to worry about the afternoon.  (It's actually evenings I have troubles with - so I need to figure out something for then).    And I will.  I will.  I have a goal.  I want to lose down to 185 for my anniversary - which is July 21.  Chris will have just finished up the CAMT math conference at the Gaylord in Frisco/Plano (somewhere around there) and he wanted us to stay a night there because it is supposedly very cool.  I impulse bought two dresses without trying them on.  And they're not good.  Not horrible, but not something I'd be comfortable out in public in.  Okay, one of them I will prob never wear in public as its a halter dress, waistband right under boobs, fullish skirt - and I don't have the best back ever... I don't have the worst, but not the best either.  That one will just be for in the room unless I can find a cute shrug or jacket to go over it... Come to think of it, I may have just the perfect sweater... hmmmm.  And the other I'll most gladly wear - after I lose 10-15 pounds.  Right now the bodice of it just fits and is very tight.  I look stuffed into it.  The skirt is straighter but still flows and looks okay, but my pooch gets attention drawn to it - so, in a spanx thing, with 10-15 pounds gone, it'll look good.  BUT those conditions have to be met first.
My cabbage soup is calling me.  I am trying to scan a newspaper picture so I can post Chris's social butterfly self.  I don't know why the iMac won't recognize the scanner.  Maybe my techy hubby can help me later.


:)
Glad to be back...

Wish me luck

Tonight we are going to the Sanger Education Foundation Annual Gala.  We've never been before.  April is notoriously and historically a tight month for us, so we've never been able to afford tickets.  Since Chris now has sort of an "in" at admin, when one of the businesses that had bought an entire table gave back a couple of tickets since a couple of their people couldn't go, Valerie (lady in charge) gave them to Chris.  Otherwise, we'd have had to cough up $40 a ticket (and that's at cost...).  Thank you, CoServe!
I'm nervous about it.  They'll serve food.  I am afraid I won't know anyone and that Chris will be a social butterfly and leave me.  I guess I'll find out.

I am now under 200 for sure.  The "for sure" part occured to me last night when  I had to go buy a new scale.  Our old one died!  Now of all times!!!  But I tried some out (yes, weighed myself right there in the middle of the store) to see which look/effect I liked the most.  I was pleased with them all, because even with jeans on and it being late in the day - I was still  weighing 198-something.  The something changed by scale, but still!!!

This morning 195.2.  Lowest in about 3 years.
Won't post my food log until after the Gala.  Wish me luck!

Just not a nice person

I've actually prided myself on being a nice person.  One of the nicest people you could ever get to know. Sure, I have my dark side - morbid, whiny,pessimistic - but I try not to let it bring me down too much.  Not everyone can be happy and helpful all the time.  We need downtime.
Today is one of those days. I don't think I let on to my students or my student teacher, but they irritated the bejeebers out of me all day long.  And trust me, seeing bejeebers trickle out of a person is not a pretty sight.

One very positive note:  Today I weighed in at 198.2 lbs.  I've finally stuck my big toe across into the water to test the temperature.  I'm hoping that I can fit a few more toes in tomorrow.  It doesn't look like it at the moment becasue I've had LOTS of water and that's weighing me down.  We'll see in the morning.
Also positive, today is Cooper's birthday.  I do believe he is 7!

food log:
lunch: chicken and a  pickle = 132 calories
dinner: chicken and salad = 156 calories
snack: orange = 62 calories
total for day: 349 calories

Surely that's worth a loss!  The kids are selling those scrumptious candy bars that I adore... and I haven't even been tempted by the candy pushers!  That alone should be worth some kind of loss.

Anger Management

Yesterday, I was livid.  I've had enough.  I am tired of having a student teacher and need ideas on what to do to get her away from me and my kids for the time she has left with us.  She has my classroom through Wed. of this next week and then I take back over.  My kids are about to explode & I don't want to deal with the explosion.  I've told her and told her and modeled and done everything I know how to do, and she still does not have control of my classes.  They seem to be getting worse.  AND now she's started inflicting group punishments.  Punishing the whole class is not something I believe in.  Yelling at the whole class?  Sure!  But not assigning writing sentences or a detention to the whole class.  That's ridiculous!  Just thinking about it right now is making me angry.  While I've been dieting I actually haven't cared about drinking or eating sweets or whatever, but last night?  I wanted a glass of wine real bad!  I mean bad!  And sweets!  I wanted sweets! We ran into town (got a couple of cute sweaters - cardigans - that'll help dress up my wardrobe a bit) and went to the store.  We got our adult "capri suns" (daily's premixed margaritas & hard lemonade - make with wine not beer) and opened one up.  I had about 3 sips and had to put it away - too sweet!  I'll finish it tonight - or at least work on it some more.  AND Kayla had a friend over and they wanted to bake cookies so they got a tub of Nestle's cookie dough.  I had two spoons of it (about the equivalent of one cookie).  Way too sweet also, thought I'd go into a sugar coma. But it satisfied me and I was done.  Today I want crunchy.  I'm not hungry - I just want crunchy...  That's stress talking.  I even took one of my clonapan yesterday!  (a type of Xanax) It was my last, so I'm hoping Dr. Simms will refill it.  If he won't, I'll see if Andy will when we see him this week about the diet. 
UGH!  I hate myself this way.  I've tried every way I can think of to help this girl, and she's just digging in deeper.  And my kids are just becoming more and more obstinate and frustrated.

Okay, I just took a break for a while to deal with household matters. I've decided that it is me with the problems right now.  My family is irritating me over just about everything.  I got to pick out part of my birthday presents last night. Of course, I didn't realize I was doing it at the time.  I got a couple of new sweaters and 2 new shirts for $60.  They'll be part of my gifts, if it's okay with me.  Like I can say it's not okay?  But, Chris got a new shirt and a new tie-pin for $40 and that's for his job.  Fine.  Chris won't put down his phone - when he doesn't have his phone in hand, it's his ipad or he's working on something for his new office.  He's looking at paint ideas and wanted me to  look with him for ideas, but then told me he'd have to get Kathy and Lisa to look at it for a woman's point-of-view.  I checked and I still have all the necessary equipment to be a woman, but I guess I'm missing something (Kathy and Lisa both work in this building where his new office is located).  Then Kelsey and Kayla have both made random comments about things - completely different ones - and I'm feeling put-upon.  Victimized and resentful.  I think I may just take myself to bed and hope today starts over.  No, never mind, I don't want a re-do, I want a go-away.  I'm ready for today to end and tomorrow to begin.

Maybe I should go get my daily's out of the freezer and start on it now.

food log yesterday (4-15-11):
steak and cucumber for lunch: 156 cal
salad for supper:  15 cal
daily's, cookie dough for "other": 142 cal
orange for snack:  87 cal
total for day:  396 cal

food log for today (4-16... so far)
pancakes - plain, made with water:  171 cal
tilapia and salad for lunch:  81 cal
total so far: 252 cal
I'm sure I'll add the rest later.

On a positive note:  I weighed in at 201.1 today.  I am pleased with that.  I have now lost over 10 % of my starting body weight.  If I were in WW, they'd give me a keychain.  Oh, wait, I already have one of those.  I think I'll go and get it and hand it to myself again.






Am expecting a major gain tomorrow.  I had a daily's lemonade.  I had a nibble or two of  the girls' pasta (nor much, but still), a nibble or two of some leftover souper rice, and a butt-load of steak.  I didn't even measure, but I can tell I'm full (way full).  I'm just in a pissy mood.  Am off to bed because I am ready for tomorrow to start.  I did weed the front flower beds and replanted a couple of plants.  So I got some exercise - the puppy (Daisee) had a great time chasing and jumping on the dead leaves I tossed out of the bed.  Then Doodle spotted her and barked a deep bark and scared the poo out of her.  I thought it was funny.  I think he thought she was a cat.  Ha!

Skinny people wouldn't understand

And they say they do.  But they don't.  They can't.
They may have to worry about 5 or even 15 pounds.  Heck, they may have to lose 30 to fit into their favorite jeans perfectly, but how could they possibly understand having to lose 1/2 of their body weight?  Having to look at the scale (and one's body) and think, "There are two people standing here.  One of them is completely unwanted, and yet, I can't push to get rid of it.  Is this person getting in the way of my job/career?  Is this person hindering my personal relationships?  I know my husband/lover/etc loves me, but is this person preventing us from being more intimate?"  These are horrible things to cross through one's mind.  And I think even the most self-confident person who is significantly overweight will have these things run through their consciousness at some time or another.

Lord knows I'm not the most self-confident.

Total, I've lost the equivalent of a child.  About 60 odd pounds - roughly a girl in the 50th percentile at age 8 or 9.  Just since starting the HCG, I've lost about 22 pounds - 50th percentile girl at age 15 months.  I'm hoping to have lost almost a 5 year old by the time I'm finished with this round of HCG.  It kind of helps to put it in perspective, y'know?  I've lost 10 bags of sugar this time around, or 7 cans of Crisco.  I found this forum and it's got several great comparisons.  http://caloriecount.about.com/bags-sugar-ft131247 
I've got to try and get rid of a third grader with a full backpack...  Kind of ANTI-Pied Piper...

Today, one of the things a skinny person could never get happened to me.  A good thing.
I wore a pair of pants that I have to be cautious with:  the waistband rolled everytime I wore them.  I had to be careful to wear longer shirts to cover the waistband roll & to adjust my pants everytime I stood up or sat down.  I was embarrassed at myself everytime I went to the bathroom and saw how many creases they were leaving in my belly & that the band had rolled again.  Today, I was teaching... teaching... teaching and finally got to run to the bathroom (anyone who gets to potty anytime they feel like it has NO idea what a luxury that is) where I noticed that my waistband had stayed in place.  No rolling.  So I checked it periodically throughout my day.  It never even rolled once.  I nearly cried.

A skinny person wouldn't get that, would they?

food log:
chicken & cucumber for lunch: 146 calories, orange: 62, dinner: chicken and a pickle: 140 calories, 1 cup frozen strawberries: 52 caloris.  Total for day: 400 calories. 
And today I weighed in at 202.6.  I'm really excited about it - pants and all!